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Post by Owen on Sept 4, 2014 13:04:59 GMT
THE TOURIST PRAYER ~~~ 2369
Heavenly Father, look down on us, Your humble and obedient servants, who are doomed to travel this earth taking photographs, buying souvenirs and walking in drip-dry underwear. We beseech you, O Lord, to see that our plane is not high-jacked, our luggage is not lost and our overweight baggage goes unnoticed. Protect us against unscrupulous taxi drivers and unlicensed English speaking guides.
Give us this day Divine Guidance in the selection of our hotel that we may find our reservations honoured and our beds make up. We pray that the telephones work and the operators speak our tongue. Lead us, O Lord, to good inexpensive restaurants where the food is superb, the waiters friendly and the wine included in the price of the meal. Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currency we do not understand. Forgive us for under tipping out of ignorance and over tipping out of fear. Make the natives love us for what we are and not what we can contribute to their worldly wealth. Grant us the strength to visit the museums, cathedrals, palaces and castles listed as a “must” in the guide books. If we skip an historic monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us as our flesh is weak.
FOR HUSBANDS:
Dear God, keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from “bargains” they do not need and can not afford. Lead them not into temptation for they know not what they do.
FOR WIVES:
Almighty Father, keep our husbands from looking at other women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in cafés and nightclubs. Above all, please do NOT forgive them their trespasses FOR THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY DO!!!
And when our journey is over and we return to our loved ones, grant us the favour of finding someone who will look at our home movies [or photos] and listen to our stories so that our lives as tourists will not have been in vain.
AMEN |
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Post by Owen on Jul 3, 2015 0:22:36 GMT
EUROPEAN HEAVEN AND HELL
Heaven is where the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the police are British, the lovers are Italian and it’s all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the Mechanics are French, the police German, the British are the cooks, the Swiss are the lovers and it’s all organized by the Italians. |
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Post by Owen on Jul 3, 2015 0:28:42 GMT
THE INCIDENTIAL TOURIST
There are incidental tourists, accidental tourists and those who should never travel at all. Having been in the travel industry for over 20 years, I can tell you that the customer isn't always right, is sometimes outright wrong, and occasionally deserves to be bitten on the nose;
"Why is it raining"? "Because its the wet season. It has done this every summer for the last 360 million years. When did you book?"
I recently dealt with a couple who were travelling internationally with a toddler, 12 large pieces of luggage and two prams - it appeared the little darling sometimes disliked the blue model, so they put him in the brown one.
I love tourists. I really do. They pay my wages and allow me the most beautiful lifestyle - most of the time. They turned my hobby into a job, took me to places I'd never have seen and offered me stories and music I'd never had heard.
"Did I tell you that I can't eat onions?" (It is evening one of a four-day outback safari - no towns, shops and all the tucker's on the roof-rack). I am going to be cooking on an open camp-fire for a group of eight and I suddenly find she can't eat onions. Try cooking in the Australian outback without onions. I manage it somehow and only overhear on the last day of the trip that, apparently, ladies break wind on average 10 times per day. If she eats onions it brings her average up to 14 or more, and she wanted to stay lady-like. Forgive me - I'm just a mug tour guide and don't know how to express my feeling into words.
Dear tourist, if you have a dietary requirement we will bend-over-backwards to accommodate it, be it health, religion or the cosmic influence of Jupiter. But some advance notice would be nice.
Then there were the blokes to whom I handed foam stubby coolers, saying to them, "these are for your beers", into which they promptly poured their beers. Pity about that little hole in the bottom.
And you know how kookaburras have their parliamentary sessions each arvo? Well, what are they talking about? Had to admit that while I'm pretty good on crow and willy-wagtail, I don't speak a lot of kooka.
People who are terrified of butterflies shouldn't book on all-day jungle walks!
Then there was the lady who saw the Southern Cross for the first time and commented, "Wow! Its just like on your flag!"
Without doubt though, the greatest offenders are those who travel to simply compare my little patch with what they have at home: "Our hills are greener, our trees are taller, our deserts are drier, our rain is wetter..." and then, "Oh my God! Those rituals are positively pagan!"
Some people really should stay home, and it would so many other people if they did. Talk to your driver, your guide, your concierge, your house keeper. For every story you have about horrible treatment or service, they have hundreds about tourists who never really got what they deserved. And as for the other 99.9 per cent of you, I have just one word: WELCOME
From the travel section of "The Weekend Australian", May 01, 2004 |
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Post by Owen on Nov 30, 2015 4:54:13 GMT
"Forgive us for under tipping out of ignorance and over tipping out of fear" |
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Post by Owen on Nov 30, 2015 5:07:11 GMT
MURPHY'S TRAVEL LAWS
1, No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2, If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3, If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4, Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5, If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6, If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle
and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7, Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8, The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9, The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10, The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
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Post by Owen on Nov 30, 2015 5:13:09 GMT
HAIRCUT BEFORE A TRIP!
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut? |
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Post by Owen on Nov 30, 2015 5:19:22 GMT
CAR COMPANY NAMES
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FORD
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
f**k or Run Down
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
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Post by Owen on Nov 30, 2015 5:26:38 GMT
FUNNY TRAIN STORY
Or how I ended up on a train in Italy at 3 am with The Snorer A beautiful day of traveling through Hue - Vietnam was coming to a close when my buddy Mark and I decided it was time to head to the train station. Our plan was to be in Nha Trang by 9:00PM, grab some food, drink some wine, and then head to our hotel.
Unfortunately there weren't any trains heading directly to Nha Trang, so Mark asked at a help station how to get there.
"Well, where do we go Mark?" "Uh... Nha Trang or something." "Just check the train boards, it sounds something like that and it leaves at 5:15."
Well lo' and behold, there it was, Nha Trang! Except it was leaving at 5:10, not 5:15, and we only had a couple minutes to make it! We ran to the train and made it just in time, and there were even a few booths left available.
An hour or two later, the train conductor stopped by to check our tickets and find out where we were going. "We're headed to Hanoi." Blank stare as we are traveling back to where we have just been.
"You're going the opposite direction." Conductor said He stared at us like we were idiots. Oops.
By the time we got off the train and found one headed in the proper direction, it was getting late and the number of trains were dwindling. Around 10PM we found ourselves in Nha Trang. And about 3AM, a short, portly Vietnamese man entered our cabin, gave us some creepy glances, and then commenced what can only be described as a cacophony of noise sounding vaguely like a rabbit being sucked slowly through a two inch hole.
Two hours later, we took our first steps in Nha Trang. We stayed there for one day. |
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Post by Owen on Nov 30, 2015 6:04:30 GMT
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Post by Owen on Dec 1, 2015 7:21:50 GMT
Funny Australian Travel Agent Stories:
Australian Travel Agent - Reports
These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism website and the answers are the actual responses by the website's official.
Their travel agencies obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street when I visit Australia? (from USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK.)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?
Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK).
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.
Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it.
Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney, and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca, which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
If you're considering travel to Australia you can find the information for yourself by using Expedia's travel guide option. If you want to go to Canberra, check Expedia's travel guide to Canberra, if you like Sydney, take a look at the Sydney page. Who knows, you may even avoid asking a question that ends up on our site!
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Post by Owen on Feb 7, 2018 21:47:20 GMT
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Post by Owen on Dec 22, 2018 4:29:32 GMT
" A stingy husband wanted to get buried with all his money"A stingy husband wanted to get buried with all his money - the wise revenge of the widow was simply ingenious
It can certainly be annoying if you have a stingy spouse.
Naturally, people are free to spend their money the way they want, but things change when you are in a relationship.
In this situation, you have to compromise and adapt to each other. And this story is just about that.
We came across this story and just had to share it with you, because the moral of the story is simply brilliant.
There was a man who had worked all his life and saved all his money.
He was really stingy about his money. He loved money more than anything else.
One day, the man got ill. The doctors told him he did not have much time to live.
And after he discovered this, the first thing he said to his wife was,
"Listen, when I die I want you to take all my money
and put it in my coffin with me because I want to take all my money into the next world".
"I promise", said the woman, who would now have to live a poor life as a widow.
I like this
"Are you crazy ?!"
Shortly thereafter, the husband died. The funeral took place in a local church.
He was lying in the coffin, the woman sitting in the front row dressed in black, with her good friend sitting there.
When the ceremony ended, just before they were about to bury him in the ground, the woman said, "Wait a minute!".
She held a shoebox, she went to the cupboard and put the box inside.
The gravediggers locked the coffin and took it.
Her friend said, "What was inside the shoe box?"
The widow replied, "He wanted to be buried with all his money, so I put it inside".
"Are you crazy? You buried that miser with all his money?"
She replied, "Yes, I promised, I'm a believer, I can't lie, I promised I would put that money with him in the coffin".
"But he was rich, how did you manage to fit everything into a shoebox?"
"Well, that was a problem", said the widow.
"So I collected all the money, put it in my bank account, and wrote him a check...".
.
..
...
....
Share if you laughed!
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Post by Owen on Feb 21, 2019 16:51:24 GMT
31 Mark Twain Quotes About Travel and the World As He Saw It " Mark Twain travel quotes that are all about pushing yourself outside your comfort zone.
Mark Twain’s words, in some ways, transcend time.
Though he penned some of his best work from the 1870s to 1890s, his words feel genuinely applicable to our lives today.
His humor, insight, and vast cultural knowledge are so spot on that some Mark Twain quotes feel like they were written in response to our lives in 2019.
(Though, admittedly, his use of “shall” dates him a bit.) "
www.travelandleisure.com/travel-tips/celebrity-travel/mark-twain-quotes-about-travel-life |
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Post by Owen on Oct 31, 2019 2:57:06 GMT
These are actual complaints received by "Thomas Cook Vacations" from dissatisfied customers:
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort.
Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish.
No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed.
We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant.
This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
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Post by Owen on Apr 23, 2020 6:27:33 GMT
'Wedding' is featured in the brand new collection, You Made Me Late Again by Pam Ayres.
With over fifty new poems from Britain's favourite poet, You Made Me Late Again!
is an essential addition to Pam Ayres' incomparable collection of works.
Pam's poems are observant, witty and poignant in equal measure.
In 'The Swifts' and 'The Pyracantha Anthem' she marvels at nature,
while 'A Patient's Prayer' and 'Litter Moron' offer wry views on Modern Britain.
From the dog being afraid of the toaster to your son leaving home for university;
and from the search for that perfect swimsuit to becoming a gran for the first time -
Pam's poems are beautifully crafted, and her subjects the everyday and the universal.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GAUtYav0jo ~ 5:46 ~ Wedding by Pam Ayres ~ + www.youtube.com/user/EburyReads/search?query=pam+ayers+ Pam Ayres - They Should Have Asked My Husband + many more poems ~ www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4oydSZTAns&list=PLL9fG1Tl8E65yavP8-QJ9xEDq7MZXrNWd
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Post by Owen on Jun 16, 2020 7:06:40 GMT
? ~~~ 'Travel is glamorous only in retrospect' – Paul Theroux's finest quotes ~~~ The celebrated travel writer, Paul Theroux, has been given the Edward Stanford Outstanding Contribution to Travel Writing Award.
Here we take a look at 31 of his wisest (and funniest) quotes about the fine art of travel.
1. “Tourists don't know where they've been, travellers don't know where they're going.”
2. “In countries where all the crooked politicians wear pin-striped suits, the best people are bare-assed.”
3. “Travel is glamorous only in retrospect.”
4. “I have seldom heard a train go by and not wished I was on it.”
5. “Where you love living most is the place you wouldn't mind dying. I left England about 20 years ago, because I realised I really didn't want to die there.
I have fantasies of checking out in a tiny village in rural Thailand attended by adoring villagers with chickens around, lying around, something like Mr Kurtz, except a lot jollier.”
... .. . www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/books/Paul-Therouxs-finest-quotes/ |
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Post by Owen on Oct 22, 2020 21:05:23 GMT
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Post by Owen on Sept 15, 2021 22:03:48 GMT
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